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1994-03-08
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ABSOLUTELY
~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone must watch the new series of the most excellently stoneybridge
programme, if you don't then you should.
Anyway below is a sketch from the first series:-
LITTLE GIRL - The Dentist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I do know what happens when you go to the Densists. You must go
with your mum and sit in a brown room wot smells like a cough sweet
wot has fallen down the toilet. And this is where you do the waiting
or the lady wot looks like a nurse but is not really a nurse to come
and get you. And when you are in this changing room you must be
very quiet. And your mum does read a magazine with pages dropping out,
and cooking on it, and you are allowed to look at pictures on the
wall, and you can see a picture of a big toothbrush wot is maked into
a boy wot can talk, and you must not scribble on it.
Then the lady does come and get you and says it is time to go in the
special tiny room. And there's a big chair in it wot is looking like a
bed, but has no blankets, and it's got electric in it and it will kill
you if you cry. And you can see the Densist's table and it haves got
scissors and knifes and forks on it, and they are for chopping off
your tongue with. And they do get sharpened by a little Dwarf wot
lives in a cage. Anyway then the Densist does smile and do say "Do not
be very frightened, please, thank you, febus I'm only going to have a
look for heaven's sake". And then you must open your mouth really wide
enough for a puppy to go in.
Then he does bend over and you can see his hairy nose, and skin does
fall out of his hair onto your jumper, and his mouth does smell pooey,
and he must have very brown teeth, with shiny bits, but it is alright
febus he is the Densist. And then he does tell you to open your mouth
even bigger. That is febus he wants to get in your throat and have an
adventure. But he is too big. And then he does say to the pretend
nurse "Look madam this tooth is made out of milk so you must be very
careful. And this one is made out of gums. And this one has got a
great big hole in it" and then he is very angry and he does punch you
on the tongue with the piliers. And then the pretend nurse she does
make you try to drink poison. And it is red, and you must never ever
swallow it, febus if you do, your throat will shrivel up into a snake
wot will crawl into your tummy and turn into a tape-measure. And it
will only die if you let it eat Mars bars. And that is what happens
when you go to the Densists. It is. It's true.
I will type some more sketches up, if there is any demand; OH
ABSOLUTELY is on Fridays Channel 4 10:30PM, Watch It, You know what
they say??? WHY IS GWYNNEDD SO STUPID!!!
COSMIC
ED'S NOTE ! (Who is Ed anyway ?)
----------------------------------
The times of Absolutely might change a bit from the one's stated
in this article. So nerr.